When we arrived at the birthing center, at 36 weeks pregnant, we were expecting a normal appointment. In and out. This was not the course the day took. We went in for an early morning appointment. When my midwife checked my uterus measurements, she voiced concern that our daughter was not growing at a rate she would like. Her growth was consistent at every appointment, just measuring small. Now, mind you, every child on my mom’s side of the family, cousins and my siblings, were all 5-6 lb. babies. I was 5lb 14oz, born at 42 weeks. I was expecting a small baby. I think most the concern came from all the sickness I suffered throughout my pregnancy. She felt my stomach and guessed that Monroe was 3 or 4 lbs.
She said “this baby is coming today!”. I think my husband I both gasped, and had no words, because we were shocked. It was not what we were expecting. I just glanced over at him with so much fear. I had never once feared birth. I had fear running through my mind, because I worried about the health of my baby. My gut told me that she would grow better in the womb, but the midwife insisted she would grow better outside of the womb. I was not ready. And how in the world are we going to bring her into the world, if my body’s ready not ready?!
She had me lay down and used a catheter to dilate me, for a natural method of induction. Everything happened so quickly, that I didn’t really get to voice an opinion. It’s so hard to demand what you want when someone puts fear in you! This catheter caused more pain than I have ever experienced in my life. It was worse than actual labor. My body wasn’t even close to being ready. I was barely soft, was not dilated and 0% effaced. She could barely even reach! I about jumped off the table, as she spent almost 20 minutes trying to insert it. Then, filled the balloon with water, to to dilate me. It caused very hard, long, painful contractions.
Our midwife ordered a sonogram and we rushed to the hospital. They measured her head circumference and said she was measuring in the bottom of the 5th percentile. They were concerned about accuracy, so sent us for a more advanced sonogram. Most of my frustration stemmed from the fact that she induced me, before getting an OBGYN‘s opinion from the sonogram. The second sonogram confirmed she was small. Everyone estimated she was 3-4 lbs with a head circumference in the 5th percentile. Later on that night, I received a call, saying that she spoke with the OBGYN, and he said she didn’t need to come immediately, but that she would need to come by the end of the week. I was instructed to cut and remove the catheter. I was relieved. I had just experienced 12 hours of painful contractions. It was emotionally exhausting, too. We thought that morning that our daughter was coming. Worried about her health and mine. It was a roller coast ride, emotionally and physically.
A few days later, we went back to our birthing center. I was checked and hadn’t progressed at all. Once again, she used another catheter. After another 8 hours, I was able to cut it. Another two days later, we had our final catheter. It’s now birthing day! I was 36 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I went into the birthing center at 8:00am. After almost a week went by, two catheters, I was finally dilated to 1cm, but not effaced. She sent us home with another catheter in. At 11:30am, it fell out on it’s own. This meant that I had dilated to 5cm. I called my midwife, and she ordered us to the birthing center right away. We arrived around noon, and she Immediately broke my water.
Within 15 minutes after she broke my water, my contractions were back. Dan scrambled as he collected our belongings and brought them to our room. I could tell he was nervous and didn’t quite know what to do. We had spent months attending weekly Bradley childbirth classes. I fully expected to use multiple massage techniques and hip squeezes for pain management. I had Dan try a couple techniques in the first hour, but nothing seemed to do anything. I felt like I could manage on my own. And I did! It’s funny how you can have a plan, and things don’t go as planned 
Most times when he spoke, I frequently quieted him, as I chose to labor in silence. Focused. He would just look at me confused, not sure what his role was. I told him, “just tell me I’m doing a good job!”. He was a gem. He would get me snacks, keep me drinking water, rubbed my head, and place cold washcloths on my head and neck.
After an hour of walking through contractions and setting up our room, Dan started a warm bath for me. This was heaven. Have you ever heard of warm baths being called “water-durals”? It truly was an incredible pain reliever. I loved how being in the water made me feel light, as if I were floating. I closed my eyes through every contraction, focusing on each and every breath. Just deep breaths, in and out slowly. It greatly reduced the pain. There were a few times I caught myself not breathing slowly, and the pain was stronger. It makes sense, because when you breathe short, fast breaths, your body lacks oxygen. I stayed in the tub from 1:00pm-6:00pm. I often tried to get out, because I’d start to get too warm and wrinkled up from the water. As soon as I’d get out, I was back in after five minutes. The relief was incredible. It was easy!
At 6:00pm, another midwife came to check on my progress. I was still 5cm, and had not progressed. This was very discouraging, as I had some very strong contractions. The problem was, that my body wasn’t even remotely close to being ready, especially for my first baby. She told me that I needed to walk to get labor to progress. I probably looked funny to every car that drove by. Every contraction that I had, I did squats. It’s just what my body naturally wanted to do. Street signs, street lamps, fences, trees, you name it, I used it for support to squat while laboring.
By 6:30pm, I finally spoke and told Dan that I couldn’t walk anymore. I felt so faint and thought I was going to vomit. We came indoors, to lay down in a dark room to rest for a little bit. I did get very sick, and couldn’t hold anything down. So, I was put on IV fluids. I had eaten lunch, snacked and drank a lot of water, and I still got sick. We rested for about an hour and a half.
By 8:00pm, the midwife checked my progress, again. I had not progressed. Still 5cm. By this point, I was really becoming frustrated. I had been through 3 catheters, and my body wouldn’t give. I felt like I had labored all week long. I was exhausted. At that point, I expressed fear to Dan. ”If my body is not willing to give, it’s because she’s is not supposed to come out yet.” The midwife said the next step was nipple stimulation. This may be foreign to some of you, but it’s one of the most effective ways to induce labor. I remember Dan and I looking at each other, uncomfortable. One, it was not an intimate or sexual act in that moment. Ha! Nor was I feeling good up to it. I told him to use his hands, because it was so awkward. At 8:30pm, the midwife came back, and we still had not progressed. She asked, “what were you doing the last 30 mins?” Apparently, we weren’t doing it the correct way. I’ll spare you the details 
So for the next half an hour, we did the nipple stimulation, the correct way, and I went from 5cm to 9cm.
For the next hour before birthing our baby, I was in the transition phase, and contractions were strong, short, and close together. The midwives and nurse scrambled to get us back to the birthing room. Another woman had a baby in the room just a few hours before. We had do the the “switcharoo” quickly. I couldn’t get up for more than 5 seconds, it seemed, as the contractions were right on top of each other. I could move. I kept sitting back down through the contractions. The squat position always felt best. This position is great because it widens the pelvis.
I remember telling the midwife I needed to go to the bathroom before we got to pushing. I couldn’t leave the bathroom. Around 9:15pm, I yelled from the bathroom because I couldn’t leave the bathroom and was beginning to push. We ran downstairs to the birthing room. For a few minutes, I really thought I was going to birth her on the stairs. I only pushed for about 15 minutes. When we finally got to the birth room, I pushed twice, and Monroe’s heart rate dropped significantly and didn’t come back up. The midwife told me to push with all my might, because we had to get her out quickly. I was pushed to the bed, with the midwife and Dan holding both of my feet back.
At this point, I needed my husband. Just him holding my hand or feet, and telling me that I was doing a great job, was all I needed. I couldn’t have done it without his support, encouragement and prayers over me. I saw the fear in his eyes, but he stayed strong. After another push, still no baby. There was a great sense of urgency heavy on the room. The midwife had to give me an episiotomy, because Monroe’s heartbeat continued to drop.
After my episiotomy, I then gave one final push and Dan pulled her out onto my chest. This was a breathtaking moment. I saw her breathing, and eventually cry out. At 9:36pm, my baby was here. She had 10 fingers and toes. She was healthy and beautiful. 5lbs 8oz and 18 1/2″ long. Our lives were forever changed. Complete.
At that moment I felt so many emotions. It was like an orgasmic high, knowing that I did this on my own, feeling every sensation. and knowing God designed my body to birth this beautiful gift. He formed her, and crafted her with His hands. She has purpose for this life, and we were the ones entrusted to care for her, raise her. It was empowering. My heart felt a passionate love toward my husband. We did this. And we did it together. He was just as exhausted, as I was, and he didn’t complain once. I saw in his eyes, that he hurt when I hurt. He held my hand. And my heart exploded with love when I saw him hold his tiny girl for the first time. He was smiling ear to ear. I’ve never seen something so precious. When I was pregnant, I dreamed for that picture, and it’s forever ingrained in my mind.
“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”
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